A Series of Fruity Events
by Jean V
Summary: What can one do with a lemon? Yuffie has an excellent idea. Or so she thinks. Updated finally!
1. When Life Gives You Lemons

**A/N:** So this is the series of Yuffietine drabbles I said I'd post. I'm trying out a new style of writing. It's, like, fusing some other authors' style with my own, but I'm not sure if I succeeded, because I know I don't write Yuffie as well as I write Vincent. Maybe I'm more like Vincent than Yuffie. Oh well. I'd like some feedback on this fic though. So please, just tell me what you think about it after you read this. Like it, hate it, whatever. I need it. Thanks.

Oh and, if you like Shelke, I wouldn't recommend you to read this. I mean it.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own, in any shape or form, FFVII or any of its characters. It belongs to Square Enix. So no sueing please.

Without further ado, I present to you the first drabble of _A Series of Fruity Events_.

Enjoy and review!

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**When Life Gives You Lemons**

That stupid, idiotic vampire/hobo/pedophile.

Heard that he's come back to town. From that cave of his dead chick. Who does he think he is, huh? Disappearing off like that and when he comes back, he doesn't even come to say hello. Well he doesn't literally say "hello" like that, but surely he knows that I– **we** care about him! He just probably wants to spend more time with that chicklet that's actually an older chick with voices inside her mind. Yeah, bet they're snogging in that coffin of his right now.

Urk.

Great, I think I want to vomit. Hmph. Stupid vampire. I'm not gonna talk to him even if he comes to say hello.

"YUFFIE! Look who's here!" Oh gawd, I'm going deaf. Do you hafta shout, Tifa? Now she's looking at me like I'm crazy. What? I was just unprepared, that's all! Wait. Scratch that. Great ninjas are never unprepared. I was just…just…

Oh. My. Gawd.

Is that Vince?

As in, Vinnie Vintage Valentino?

Argh! My eyes! It's Shelke! Shelke Welke!

...Ha! That's what I'm gonna call her from now on. Shelke Welke. Sounds like the name of some retard or something.

"Hello, Yuffie."

Oh sweet Leviathan, I can listen to his voice forever. It's just oh-so-sexy, like the finest whiskey in Tifa's basement – yeah I've tried some; that time when she was out on a date with Spike. But don't tell her; she'd kill me if she knew and then there'd be one less great ninja left…oh look, Vinnie's staring at me like I'm crazy.

What is it with people today anyway, huh? How come it's the Let's Look At Yuffie Like She's Crazy Day and I don't even know it?

Hmph. I'm so not talking to you.

"…I apologize for making you worry, Yuffie." WTF! How did he know what I was thinking?

Wait, did I say that out loud?

"You sure did, Yuffs." Thanks Tifa, for making me feel even worse.

I look away, trying to be haughty. "Who said I was worried, monster man?" I'm sure Shelke Welke has enough worry for the both of us. Gawd, she just looked at me then. What are you looking at, you chicklet who's actually an older chick with voices inside your head? What?! I know Vinnie's got voices as well, but he's hawt enough to pull off that look. You're not, Shelke Welke, so buck off.

"…I apologize, Yuffie." I huff, getting really ticked off. Who wouldn't be? He keeps on apologizing every minute! Gawd, suddenly I'm just so glad I'm not the one who's living with him forever. It's the chicklet. Hahahahaha.

Oh yes, I am evil.

"Will you stop that?" He tilts his head, as if to ask 'stop what'. I roll my eyes. "Stop apologizing, you hobo!"

Whoops! I didn't mean to say that! Vinnie looks really mad right now! Ahhhh, I'd better run for my life before he takes Cerberus out!

"…I apologize, Yuffie." His words bring me to a skidding halt. Now I am really angry. I look at him. His lips look like they want to laugh but can't. Is he laughing at me? The nerve of the vamp! Why the heck am I looking at his lips anyway? Gah!

Whatever, I don't care. He's got his chicklet who's actually an older chick with voices inside her head to snog with in that coffin of his. I'll just flip him off casually like the great ninja I am and walk away.

He won't care anyway.

Gah! I bet Shelke Welke is smirking at me at the moment, along with that dead chick inside her mind.

**When Life gives you lemons, just shut up and eat your damn lemons.**

**&**

Gawd, I'm sooooooo bored. I need something to do or I'll burst. Out of boredom. Then there'll be one less great ninja in the world and everyone will mourn.

"I'm goin' to kill that brat!" Or not.

What's the matter with Cid anyway? Gah! All I did was stub out his cancer stick for him. It's gonna kill him one day. He really should be grateful.

"Fuckin' brat! Stop throwin' my smoke into my tea!" Yeah well, couldn't see anything to put out the smoke 'cept his tea.

"Just drink your goddamn tea old man!" Gawd, that feels good. I'm cracking up right now. Cid's face is as red as a tomato, or Vincent's eyes.

Gah! Why the heck am I thinking of that jerk anyway?

_Thump!_

WTF! "Why did you throw me a freakin' lemon, old man!?" Leviathan knows how much I wanna throw up when I see them. Bleh!

"Just go plant it somewhere and leave my tea alone!" Plant it where? In Vince's home? Gah! Stop thinking about him, Yuffie! Wait –

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. I have the perfect plan.

"You'd better thank me for that, brat."

**When Cid gives you lemons, go plant lemon trees in Vincent's home while he's away so that Shelke Welke can't leave.**

**&**

Alrighty, so now I've snuck into Vinnie's scary mansion in Nibelheim and everything's quiet. No sign of Vinnie. I've got the lemon in one hand and a shovel in the other. Still no sign of Vin-vin. That sourpuss. I wonder if he's really in his coffin, snogging with that chicklet who's actually an older chick with voices inside her head. Maybe they're like, making out and suddenly the voices in their heads start talking and coming out and hunting me down for interrupting them and –

Gah! I'll just plant the freakin' lemon in his yard and be gone with it!

Let's see then, this place? Nah, the soil's too soft. Don't want Vince to dig it out so easily. How about here? Nah, too rock-ish. I can't even dig my shovel in. Hmm… this looks nice. Yeah, and it's right beside the hose. Pur-fect. Okay, now to get down and dirty with the soil. Nyuk, nyuk. I love the soil, especially when it's my partner-in-crime.

"…Yuffie?"

"Not now Vince, can't you see I'm busy? I'm trying to plant a lemon tree so that –" Ack! Is that Vinnie I'm talking to?

No! I don't even want to know! It must be the demons inside the mansion, pretending to be Vince. Yeah, so I'll just slink away and come back at a more convenient time –

"Plant…a lemon tree?" Vince sounds confused. No, no. Imposter Vince sounds confused. And amused.

"Don't you dare laugh at me, you pedophile!" Oh my gawd, did I really say that in front of Vinnie?

"…Pedophile?"

Duh. How stupid can you get, Vince? You're making out with a chicklet! In a coffin, no less! "Well what else should I call you, vamp-boy? And why are you out here? Aren't you s'posed to be snogging with your –" Thank Leviathan I stopped my mouth in time. Really, I swear sometimes it has a mind of its own. Now wouldn't that be freaky. Just imagine, me, the great ninja, with a brainy mouth.

"…Lemon…"

"Whrat?!"

Holy Jenova! I've got a freakin' lemon in my mouth! When did I –

Oh right. I stuffed it in to stop myself from talking.

Urk.

I think I'm really gonna throw up this time.

No! Not on Vinnie, you idiot mouth who has a brain!

**When Life and Cid give you lemons, better throw them away or you'll choke on them and vomit on Vinnie's shoes.**

_.the end - for now._


	2. Kiwis Are Not As Evil As Shelkes

**A/N: **Yay! I've got six positive reviews so I've decided to continue this. Thank you to erinsoccer17, EmileeElectro, Spiritslayer, Bubblefox, Qwi-Xux, and JingYee for your awesome reviews! They really made my day! And a big, big thank you to Iamawitch for betaing this story for me. Luv ya, babe.

**Disclaimer:** See first page. (It's there, I swear.) It's the usual stuff anyway.

Oh, and Yuffie's in a bad mood in this one, so beware of a lot of Shelke-bashing! Any fans of Shelke should evacuate pronto.

Okay now that's done, please enjoy and review!

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**Kiwis Are Not As Evil As Shelkes**

Gawd, it's so hot I'm gonna melt. We're sweating like pigs in here just because the stupid air con's broken again. And it's just July, for Leviathan's sake! I wonder if Vinnie's melted in that stupid coffin of his. Y'know, he's always wearing that stuffy old cloak and bandanna. Doesn't he feel hot in them?

Ack! Why the heck am I thinking of the stupid vamp again!? It's, like, the fifth time this morning!

"Whoa Teef, whatcha doin' with that big bowl?" Maybe she's gonna make salad. Or punch. Mmm, punch is good. That means she's going to the wine cellar. And I can steal some again. Nyuk, nyuk.

"I'm making salad!" Ah damn. I like punch more. "Wanna help?" I shrug. Tifa glares at me. "You won't get to eat any if you don't help." Stupid Boobs. I just wanna wipe that smug smirk off her face. I drag my feet across the floor. "Don't do that, Yuffie! Last time Cloud had to redo the whole floor again!" I smirk. Exactly.

"So what salad ya makin'?" I eye the things on the counter. There is a knife, a bottle of salad dressing, and a fruit basket. A strange-looking furry green ball peeks out from the fruit basket. Hmm, nothing special about that.

Wait. Rewind that.

_Strange-looking furry green ball? _

Is that –?

"Kiwi salad."

Ah. Fuck.

I hate kiwis. I really, really hate kiwis. I totally hate kiwis.

Argh! Watch out, you evil kiwis, for the Great Ninja Yuffie is here!

"Yuffie! What are you doing to my kiwis?!" Are you blind, Tifa? I'm throwing them away! Kiwis are evil! Didn't school teach you that? …Hmm, I guess not. School's pretty useless, if you ask me. Of course, nobody did, but I'm still telling ya anyway. School is so useless that they don't even tell you that kiwis are evil. You shouldn't let Denzel go to school, Tifa. It'll just make the brat stupider. Sigh.

"Yuffie Kisaragi."

Oh gawd. Who let the chicklet out?

"Oh Shelke, how nice of you to visit us!" Stupid Teef. Why is she always trying to be kind to the chicklet? Shelke Welke won't feel it anyway! You're just wasting your kindness, Tifa.

"You called Vincent Valentine, am I correct?" Duh. Why else would you be here? "He is upstairs, talking with Cloud Strife." Hmph. Stupid vamp-boy. Doesn't even come to say hello to Tifa and/or me. He used to do that. Before the chicklet showed up. Now he just hurries with his stuff and goes away right after. Immediately. To his chicklet. Hmph. Doesn't he know that his dead chick is dead already? Shelke Welke isn't his dead chick! I wish I could beat some sense into his brain. Maybe I will, like on his birthday. Nyuk, nyuk. Let's see, Vinnie's like 60, so I can hit him, like, 60 times! Whoa! Imagine how much sense I could beat into that pedophile!

"…making kiwi salad! Do you want to help, Shelke?" What?! Did you just ask Shelke Welke to help make your kiwi salad, Tifa? Are you nuts? The chicklet can't even cook! How can she make salad? She's gonna poison –

"Alright."

My brow's ticking. Did Tifa's mouth twitch just then?

"Great! Let's get started then!" Stupid Boobs did that on purpose! Gah! "Yuffie! Stop throwing away my kiwis! Oh great, look what you've done! Now we just have three kiwis left. It's not enough! Cloud likes to have tons of kiwi in his salad!" Yeah, yeah, whatever. It's not like **I **care what Chocobo Head likes anyway.

"I will go out and buy some more." Sure, chicklet. Just get outta my sight!

"No, Shelke, people should be responsible for their own actions." Uh-oh. I don't like the smirk on Tifa's face…"Yuffie, can you go out and get some kiwis? The golden yellow ones, preferably." WHAT?! Tifa, you know how I hate kiwis! I ain't going out to buy any kiwis and that's final. "Please, Yuffie?" Not a chance, Tifa. Not even if you gave me thousands gil worth of materia.

"Shelke, I'm sure Yuffie just wants some company, can you go–"

_Slam!_

"Thank you, Yuffie!" Stupid Boobs.

**Kiwis are evil, so are women with large boobs.**

**&**

Outside is even hotter than the bar. Gawd, I'm gonna turn into a puddle of ninja goo. Sigh. Nobody would care if that happens. After all, I'm just some errand girl running around to buy kiwis.

I wish it would rain. At least it'll be wetter.

_Splat!_

WTF! Oh Leviathan, why did it have to rain when I didn't bring my umbrella? Oh lookie, there's an old woman crossing the street who has an umbrella and – nyuk, nyuk – tons of materia. Ack! The rain just grew harder at that thought. Hmph. Stupid rain. I look around for a place to cover my head.

"'Ere, lil' girl." Huh? Oh it's the old lady with a lot of materia. And she's holding her umbrella over my head… Gawd, I'm so touched. I think I'm going to cry. She has Restore and Summon materia! Nyuk, nyuk. Don't mind if I help myself, old lady.

Eh? Why's my butt vibrating? "It's yer phone, lil' girl." Oh right.

"What, Teef?" The old lady is looking at me with a really, really weird stare. What are you staring at? Do I have something on my face, old lady?

"Yuffie, while you're at it, can you please not go stealing any old lady's materia?" WTF!? Are you psychic, Tifa? "You're just five miles away from the bar, Yuffs." Huh? Oh…psh! So what? I can steal whatever I like! I'm a ninja! "Yes, you're a ninja Yuffie, not a pirate!"

"Gah, whatever, Boobs!" Whoa! Where's old lady gone?

"I think you scared her away."

_Click. _Hmph. It's all the kiwis' fault I had to get wet and not get any materia!

I hate kiwis!

**Kiwis are evil, so are old women with a lot of materia.**

**&**

That dumb store-owner. Thought he could trick the Great Ninja! Hmph. Doesn't he know that those kiwis cost less than ten gil? He tried to ask for fifty! Stupid old man. Oh well, he won't be missing a few apples then. Mmm, I love apples. Why can't Tifa make apple salad instead?

"…Tifa, Shelke." Eh? Who's that in the bar? Wait, that voice sounds familiar… Isn't that –?

"Hey Vincent!"

Holy Jenova.

Tifa, your eyes must be fooling you. There is no way in the world that could be Vince Valentine. Uh-uh. Cloud will have to take you for an eye check one of these days.

"Vincent Valentine."

Sigh.

For the chicklet's sake, I will repeat:

That. Cannot. Be. Vincent. Valentine.

Why?

Because he's not wearing his cloak! Or his bandanna!

"Vincent, why aren't you wearing your…um…trademark clothes?" Good ol' Tifa. Finally, she notices. I tell ya, that is an **imposter**! Because there is no fucking way Vinnie would be caught without wearing his cloak!

"…I thought it would be nice…" Well, at least he's speaking like Vince. "…to have a change." WHAT!? Vincent Valentino, you are not kidding me, are you!? After all this time I told you to change, you chose this time to change? Must be that chicklet, eh? She must've told you to change your wardrobe and you just tripped to follow her orders, huh?!

"Would you like to try some kiwi salad, Vincent Valentine?"

Ha! There's no way that Vince would eat kiwi salad! He hates them! He told me so!

"…Thank you, Shelke." That…that…that bastard! Hmph! I see everything clear now. You'll do anything that chicklet tells you to, because you think she's your dead chick!

…Or maybe, everything you told me was just a damn fucking lie!

"How does it taste?" I bet it tastes sour!

"…Marvelous."

…

…

…

So I'm correct, huh, you've been lying to me all along, right?

No, scratch that.

I'm always correct.

You have been lying to me all this time, Vincent Valentine, and I never knew.

I guess…these kiwis…I can give them to you, eh?

**Kiwis are evil, but not as much as Shelkes.**

_.the end - for now._


	3. The Ups and Downs of Watermelons

**A/N:** God, this piece was hard to write. I had the plot formed, but Yuffie and Cid were being difficult this week! I just couldn't get the characters right, and I still can't. This is the crappiest thing I wrote in this year. Seriously. I hate it. I think I'm gonna rewrite it - when I have the time. Which I don't have a lot. Boo-hoo.

Handing out cookies to my reviewers: EmileeElectro, JingYee, MimiNeko, erinsoccer17, Spiritslayer, Qwi-Xux, and Aki Masamune. Thank you for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** See first page.

Oh well, try to enjoy it if you can.

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**The Ups And Downs of Watermelons **

_Knock, knock_.

"Are you in here, Yuffie?" Damn. Forgot to put up the 'Don't Disturb' sign.

"…"

"Yuffie! What is going on? You've been avoiding us for the past few days!"

"…get out, Tifa." I don't want to talk to you.

"Yuffie, talk to me!" Go and annoy someone else please! For Leviathan's sake, why can't you let me wallow in my misery, Tifa? "What happened, Yuffie? You know you can tell it to me. I won't tell anyone else, promise."

Gawd! Fine, I'll tell you! Vincent happened, okay?! He happened to like a certain freaking chicklet that's actually an older chick with voices inside her mind, happy?! How retarded is that?!

"Yuffie…have you been crying?"

"NO!" Now get the fuck outta here!

"Yuffie, I –"…Fine. If you're not leaving, I am.

"Yuffie! Where are you going – oomph! Oh hi Shelke, Vincent. Didn't see you there!" Yeah, so didn't see you there, you fucking lying vampire! Oh I'm probably bothering you with my presence. I should go. "Wait, Yuffie!"

"Where are you goin' brat?" Argh! What's that smell? "Come here and have a cup o' tea." Ack! It's coming from Cid! Ugh! Old man has halitosis!

"No way, old man! You get bad breath from drinkin' all that goddamn tea!" Ha-ha! Cid's turning red now! Next minute he'll –

"Fuck! I don't have bad breath, brat!" See? He's so predictable. Is that steam I see? Pouring out from his ears? Muahahaha! That's what you get, you tea-drinking, smoking jerk! Thank Leviathan Shera's pregnant. Or he'll still be smoking and his bad breath will smell even worse. But really, I never thought the old man had it in him to knock her up. I mean, he's like fifty. I don't think a normal person can still knock anyone up at that age. But...everyone knows Cid's not a normal person. Nyuk.

"And I was thinkin' of sharin' this with you." Huh? Sharing what? Eh, what's that in his hands? "It's a watermelon, brat. Never seen one?" Cid grins a little too wickedly and I smirk, ignoring the others in the bar.

"Bring it on, old man." Vampy and his chicklet can have kiwi salad all day for all that I care. The great ninja Yuffie has a watermelon eating contest to win. Nyuk, nyuk. Prepare to lose, old man!

**Eating watermelon is a good way to forget about a stupid vampire and his chicklet.**

**&-&-&**

Urk.

I feel sick. Like, super duper sick.

And it's all stupid Cid's fault. Ugh! I think I'm gonna vomit.

"Brat, you shoulda know better than to think you can defeat me!"

I growl, my eye ticking. I'm gonna show it to that old man! Just one more piece of watermelon and –

"What the –?!"

"I think she just ate the last piece of watermelon, Cid." Thank you for pointing the obvious, Tifa…then again, Cid's brain is so tea-leaved that he can't figure it out himself. What? _Tea-leaved_ is a word! What it means? Eh…it means 'to be stuffed with tea leaves'! There, see?

I smirk at Cid. "What did you just say, old man?" Insert Evil Cackle here. "You shoulda know better than to underestimate this ninja!"

He sniffs haughtily. "What!? It's just a tie, brat! You still haven't defeated me!" I open my mouth to laugh and instantly clap a hand over it.

"Urgh – " Oh gawd, I feel awful. The bile's rising up my throat. It feels real icky.

"Yuffie! Are you alright?" Oh I'm feeling just dandy – NOT! Urgh. "What's wrong with her, Cid?" I roll my eyes.

"Watermelon over dosage." Gah! Stupid vampire! She didn't ask you! And what'd you mean by _over dosage_? I don't do drugs, ya bastard!

Tifa looks at him urgently, like I'm gonna die. Hello?! I'm still here, alive and kicking. Man, Teef, you worry too much. I want to tell her that, but the bile in my throat rises up real quick all of a sudden and I rush up to the bathroom. I don't want anyone to see me so weak, specially –

Gah! Stupid Cid! It's all your damn fault!

**Eating watermelon is a bad way to get sick.**

**&-&-&**

Why's there a bright light? I think I'm gonna turn blind. But…maybe I'm blind already coz I can't see anything except the bright light.

…Am I dead?

Oh Leviathan, I don't want to die! I…there's a gazillion things I haven't done! I haven't been to Teef and Chocobo Head's wedding yet; I haven't seen Cid's brat yet; I haven't taught Denny and Marley their vocab yet – ouch! Okay, okay, I won't teach them my vocab. I –

"Yuffie…" Wow, who in hell has such a sexy voice? "Wake up."

Huh? Aren't I dead?

"From watermelon over dosage?" Wait. That voice sounds familiar. And sexy. And _obnoxious_.

"Vinnie?!"

Gawd! He's smirking. I can feel my eyes water. "Vinnie!" I fling my arms around him.

I think he turned red just then. "Yuffie –"

"I thought I'd never see you again!"

"…" Ack! Did I just say what I thought I said? Gulp. I think I did. Pull away, Yuffie!

"Uh, I meant, I thought I'd never see y'all again!" Is that a smile on Vince's face? "Are you laughing at me, you vamp!? I just thought I'd died and all you could do was laugh at me? You could at least give me a hug or something!"

My eyes widen.

Ohmigawd, ohmigawd, ohmigawd! Vince the vamp is hugging me! Without any threats or bribes! The world is coming to an eeeennnnddddd...

Mmm...

Vinnie feels so soft and comfy, just like a teddy bear. And he smells good. Like, after a bath good.

"Feeling better?"

"Yep, who wouldn't after a Vinnie hug?"

He looks amused.

And then he smiled.

Ahh! I think I'm gonna faint from Vinnie hotness overload!

"Yuffie?!" I crack open an eye and look up to Vince's worried face.

"Can you get me a glass of watermelon juice?"

**Eating watermelon is a good way to get a Vinnie hug. Yay!**

_.the end – for now. _

* * *

**A/N:** There! End of torture!

Please, please don't flame me for this awful drabble.

And in exchange for your kindness, I'll let you know what the next drabble is about, okay? Deal.

Alrightyo, next drabble is about passion fruit and... dun dun dun Reno will show up! As well as Denny and Marley. Anyhoo, I promise the next one will be better than this one. And no more Shelke-bashing on the next one!

See ya next week,

Jean V.


	4. P Is For Passion Fruit

**A/N: **I'm back! Yep, to all those who are wondering, I'm still alive and kicking. It's just that I had to help out in the 2008 Equestrian Olympics which is being held in Hong Kong. And in the meantime, study French every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. And a whole lot of other excuses that could fill the page even before you start reading. So, to save you all the pain, I'll just put in two, big, kinda major excuses. See how much I love you all?

**Disclaimer:** See first page.

Special thanks to my reviewers, whom I hope are still supporting this somewhat oneshot collection which has been on hiatus, and they are: JingYee, erinsoccer17, EmileeElectro, Aki Masamune, ChristalSteele, Spiritslayer, Qwi-Xux, brisFH28. Thank you for your encouraging reviews!

And as promised, there will be Reno in this one, but unfortunately, that means Vince will have to be absent. Because our fav vampire cannot stand the presence of our fav turkey. Lol.

Okay, I've ranted enough! Please enjoy!

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**P Is For Passion Fruit**

Ever since that watermelon-eating contest with Cid, Tifa's banned me from eating watermelons. She's also banned me from going out coz I lobbed Cid on the head for bringing those damn watermelons. And from drinking any alcohol since I started giggling like mad after Vinnie left. I can't believe I got a Vinnie hug! I can still remember it. It was like hugging a teddy bear! Ha-ha now I'm comparing Vinnie to a teddy bear. But I've decided already. I won't let Shelke Welke have him. Vincent, I mean. She can get Reeve, Rude, heck even Reno! But not my Vinnie. Besides, she'd only do him bad. Remember that dead chick? Shelke Welke has her memories. What if she decided to up and leave him for another freaky scientist?! I won't let her!

But really, can't believe I'm _grounded_. I mean, I haven't been grounded for like, ten years. And the last time I was grounded was for breaking a real expensive vase at Godo's place. Heh, I still remember his face that day, all swollen red and purple. It had been fun.

Gawd, it's so bo-ring in this place! I'm gonna die, I'm sure of it. There's nothing to do and it's just morning! Those drunken old men only come to the bar in the afternoon coz they're afraid of Morning Tifa. That's a crankier and more dangerous version of Tifa, which only appears in the morning. Tifa's not a morning person. Neither am I, but I'm just so giddy that I can't fall back asleep.

Sigh.

…Sigh.

……Sigh.

"Yuffie! Stop sighing already! I won't let you out!" Oooh Morning Tifa's out today! Aww, but I want to go out and breathe in the fresh air and take in the sights and smells and –

Nyuk, nyuk. She's opening the fridge! Yes! She's having cereal!

The thing is, I have a way that will get me un-grounded and that is –

"_Who drank all the milk!?_"

Yep. Ladies and gentlemen, the way to get un-grounded is to drink all the milk. Or the beverage the one grounding you likes to drink.

"Yuffie, can you –" Yesyesyesye – Uh-oh. Don't tell me she figured it out! I never tried this with her before! "– look after the kids for a while? I have to go buy some milk." Nooooooooo! I dun wanna! Noooooooo Tifa! Don't put me with the demon kids! I'll confess! I drank –

"Yay! Is Auntie Yuffie going to look after us!?" No I'm not, Marley!

"Cool! Can we play, Auntie Yuffie?" Shut up Denzel!

"Now children, be nice to Auntie Yuffie. She's just recovered and she needs to rest." Argh! Damn you Tifa! "And Yuffie, you too, be good. Don't do anything I wouldn't do." I'm pretty sure my jaw is wide open. Lemme check. Yup. As wide as a mouth can be.

Ack! Quick! Mouth, work!

"Tifa!!" She's gone! Oh leviathan, why must you torture me so? I will just go to my corner and brood until she comes home. Just like Vinnie. Yeah, exactly like Vinnie.

"Auntie Yuffie! We're hungry!"

"Yeah!"

Glare. Stupid kids. If you're hungry then get something to eat! You're not counting on me to make you something, are you? Nah, that's so preposterous! The demon children won't think of that if they value their stomachs!

"Auntie Yuffie! Can you make us something to eat?"

"Please, Auntie Yuffie?"

Gah! They really are stupid enough to ask me to make something for them! Fine, but I'm gonna make them regret that. Evil grin.

"Uh…um…Auntie Yuffie, I don't think we're hungry anymore…"

"Oh. Alright then." Hmph. Good for you, kiddos. You almost got a taste of Yuffie's Famous PB and J For Idiotic Kids.

Ahh, welcome back peaceful silence – "Auntie Yuffie! We're so bored!" "Yeah!"

Annoyed sigh. What do you want me to do then!? I can't help it if you're bored, you brats!

"Play with us, Auntie Yuffie!"

Okay, time to use the Poisonous Glare for Idiotic Kids. Let's see if you still want to plaaaa –

"Hey babe."

"Whoa! I didn't know turkeys talked these days!" If Tifa was here, she'd have told me to play nice. But since she isn't…nyuk, nyuk, let me show you some colors, you red feathered turkey!

"Uncle Reno!" Uh, since when did the turkey become an uncle?

"Careful, Marley! That turkey ain't a nice one! It bites, you see!" Don't give me that glare! You just don't know anything, Marley doll. This turkey is the reason why chocobo head and Tifa aren't together yet. And you call him uncle.

"But, Auntie Yuffie, Uncle Reno brings us candies! He's a good person! And he's not a turkey!" Ugh…just how gullible can you get, Marley?

"I think the kid got it right this time, _Auntie _Yuffie."

Argh! I'm gonna wipe out that smirk off his face even if it's the last thing I do!

"Denny, come with me for a sec. I need to have a word with you."

"Uh, okay, Auntie Yuffie." And then a quick "_Marlene!" _which gets unnoticed as I drag the poor boy into the kitchen. Heh, no use trying to get your girlfriend to help you, Denzel. She's too infatuated with that red-haired turkey. Nyuk, nyuk. This way, Denny has no choice but to go along with my plans.

"Didn't I tell you not to go near the turkey?" I take a quick peek at the door to see if anyone's eavesdropping. "Now he's got Marls on his side! What are we gonna do?" I'm whispering yet yelling at him at the same time. It's kinda weird, y'know. Like you've got a sore throat but you still wanna scream your lungs out. Yeah, I know that feeling. I always get it when I see Vinnie with that chicklet. Oops, couldn't catch what Denzel just said. "Huh, what was that?"

Hey, why's he trembling like mad? Am I really that scary? "I swear, Auntie Yuffie, I don't know about him giving Marlene candy! I'd have stopped it if I knew!" Gawd, he's still shivering!

"Yeah, brat, I know. Stop shivering already! I haven't pulled out Conformer, what are you so scared of?"

"I'm not scared! It's just cold in here!"

"It's summer, for Leviathan's sake!"

"Well, you'd be if you're standing right next to the air-con!"

You know, for once in his life, Den's right. Hmm…

"Hey! Don't try to pull me off topic! This is very important! You and Marley are at stake here!"

"Huh? How come?"

"Don't ask, brat! Right now, we have to come up with a plan to get that Reno turkey outta here before Teef comes home!" And by all that is holy, I don't want to know what Morning Tifa would do to Reno la turkey. "Okay, you'll get Marley to go upstairs to play monopoly and I'll join you guys once I finish doing the turkey chasing. Don't take no for an answer, capeesh?"

"Uh, okay. Sounds like a plan."

"It is a plan!" The nerve of the brat! Hmm, on second thought though… "Make that Operation Rescue Marley From La Evil Turkey's Clutches And Chase Him Out Of Seventh Heaven!" Aka Operation R.M.F.L.E.T.C.A.C.H.O.O.S.H. Phew. What a long mission name. Denny looks kinda muddled. "What?"

"Why did you use French all of a sudden, Auntie Yuffie?"

"It's the latest trend, okay?" Geez, the kid's questions never end. I can see the head of another already. "Gee-up, Denny! Before we lose Marley to the turkey! Let's get to it!"

"Yessir!"

Nyuk, nyuk. Commencing Operation R.M.F.L.E.T.C.A.C.H.O.O.S.H. Reno's still oblivious to our operation. Well, he should be, unless he was eavesdropping on us in the kitchen, which I would have noticed immediately, coz I'm The Great Ninja.

"Oh hey Auntie Yuffie!" Well, well, I see Marley's excited to see us. Prolly got bored by ol' turkey already. Ha! Knew he wasn't too much of a threat! "Come on, Denzel! Uncle Reno's telling a story!" Okay. I take that back.

Do the eyes-narrowing thing Tifa likes to do, Yuffie! "What kind of story? Is it suitable for youngsters like you two?" And what are you laughing at, you turkey!? I wouldn't put it past you to retell one of your 'adventures' to poor, innocent Marley!

"It's just the Alphabet Story, babe. The other stories are only for your ears." I swear to Leviathan, I will get that smirk off his face! "As a matter of fact, we're stuck at O. Why don't you give it a shot, oh great ninja?" I did the narrowing eyes thingy again. "Too hard for your standards, huh, _Auntie _Yuffie?" Okay. That didn't seem to work. I hate it when he stresses on the auntie part. It sounds fine when the kids say it. But it's not with the turkey. "Okay Marlene, your turn then. O is for - "

"Orange, okay?"

"Wow! You're good at this, Auntie Yuffie!" Thank you Marley, but anyone could have answered that stupid question. Even ol' turkey himself.

"So what's P for, smart a-leck?" Whoops, nearly said the A word. Tifa would kill me if she knew I did, and Marley's bound to tell her. Yeah, I know. Stupid backstabber. But you can't really blame her. Tifa's put too many 'cussing is bad for you' stuff into her head, coz she doesn't want young Marley to follow in Barret the Bear's footsteps and cuss all day.

"That's an easy one." O-Kay. I don't like the look on his face. Coz it's telling me that I wouldn't be liking what he's gonna say next.

"And what would that be? Problem?" Don't tell me it is, or I'll spit the water I'm drinking!

"No…_Passion fruit_."

"Yuffie! Why are you spitting water all over the carpet?!"

...Oh hi, Tifa.

**P is NOT for passion fruit and that's final! **

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**A/N: **Now you see the impact of studying French in the hols. It makes Yuffie speak French. But anyway, this one's done! Hopefully I'll be able to finish writing the next one for next Friday! I'm not promising anything though! Oh, and if you're reviewing, tell me if you want to see Cloud, Vincent, or Reno in the next one.

Peace,

Jean V.


	5. Spiky As A Pineapple

**A/N: **Gasp! Look! An update! Yep, two submissions in a week. I'm very hardworking this week. I even skipped my homework just to finish this. Lol. Anyway, it's still kinda frenchy and silly. So hope y'all will like this!

**Disclaimer:** See first page.

Gives out pineapple flavored cookies to all my past reviewers, whom I hope is still supporting this somewhat one-shot collection: MuffinPirate, Qwi-Xux, Plushietiger, JingYee, Emilee-san., ChristalSteele, Aki Masamune, Dark Rose Forever and Spiritslayer. Thank you! And if I left you out, please tell me!

Without further ado, please enjoy!

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**Spiky As a Pineapple**

I hate it when Reno comes to visit Tifa. He always manages to embarrass me, get on Tifa's good side, and anger chocobo head in one go. Heck, if Spike isn't always annoying and nagging me to help out in his delivery company, I might have pitied him. But as he is, I'm gonna rub him in a bit.

Ah oui, Yuffie la Great Ninja est evil.

"Say, chocobo head, why's the turkey staying here for dinner? Did you invite him?" Ha! _I'm lovin' it _when he tries to subtly glare at me – subtly coz Tifa's watching. Can't get on her bad side now, can you, Spike? Especially since Reno is on her good. (Yep, I do watch too many McDonald's commercials.)

"Don't call me that." He grits out finally.

I give him a knowing smirk. "Oh you mean, _chocobo_ head?" It gets really hilarious when you're teasing Cloud's hair. Just don't let him get you back with a smartass comment that makes you groan and say "Yeah, nice try, Spiky" or "Ouch." …Though I guess there's a difference between those two. Anyways, always block, block, block. Defense is the best offense. Ooh, sounds like a game I like to play! It's about a kickass ninja too, like yours truly. Nyuk. Guess ninjas are the latest fashion, eh? Wait, that wasn't quite right. Ninjas have always been in the latest trends! Yep, it's official. Being a ninja is the best you can be.

"Are you even listening, Yuffie?" Ouch. That was a good smartass comment, Spike. Guess you've gotten better at this. And FYI, no, I am not listening. Of course, I'm not gonna tell him –

"Eek! Vinnie!"

Thank Leviathan Vince answered and accepted the invitation-slash-cry of help of Cloud's to come and have dinner at the bar. Said something about free booze, I think. Though that's not why Vinnie's coming. He doesn't like the booze here, you see. But don't tell Tifa that or she'll have his heads. Anyway, Vinnie's just here for me et my awesome ninja-ness!

…Okay, Cloud _defiantly_ was one of the other, side reasons. But he's not a major one. (And no, that is not a typo. Yuffie the Great Ninja does not make typos!) Anyway, it's prolly coz Cloud was practically begging Vince to come. Vampy doesn't know what's going on, per se, but the desperation in Spike's voice and the longing to see me was more than enough to get out of that stuffy coffin and creepy mansion and come to the bar.

Ah well, Spike must have thought that having Vince over for dinner would have frightened the turkey away, coz we all know how those two can't stand each other. I know, c'est très drôle. Reno isn't gonna give up in front of Tifa, and Vinnie doesn't even know about the turkey. Muahahaha, let's see how chocobo head's gonna clean up the mess once he sees how Vince reacts to having to share a table with la turkey. Nyuk, nyuk. Maybe we'll have an early Thanksgiving.

"Hello Yuffie. Nice day?" Wow! He asked about my day! Lemme see…how should I reply him? A "You betcha!" or a "No way Jose! Coz Tifa grounded me coz you hugged me"? Hmm, that's a difficult one.

"Hey Vincent, Yuffie's been a great help today, you know? She helped out in the house, took care of the kids and kept them company! And well - "

What's with the low whisper, Tifa? You know I can hear you!

" - Just generally staying out of trouble. Which is a good thing." Thank you Tifa, for officially _stealing my thunder_. Yeah, just learnt that phrase on TV today. See how educational watching TV is? One of us shoulda tell Tifa that. So that Denny and Marley can watch TV all day and stop annoying me.

Oh! Vinnie's looking at me funny. He has this – what's it called again? Ah yes – thinking face on. You know, one finely-trimmed eyebrow up and that damn I'm-too-sexy-for-my-shirt questioning gaze? Yeah, it's that look.

"What!? I'll have you know that I did all that and more simply coz I got grounded! And that's coz you hugged me that day!" Not that I didn't enjoy that hug though.

Ohmigawd! Is that a smirk I spy on ol' Vintage's face?! How dare he laugh at my awesome ninja-ness! Fine, see if I'm gonna warn you about Reno. I was going to, but now I'm not. Bad luck for you, vampy!

"Here." Huh? What did you just shove up my arms, Vince?

"Uh…it's kinda spiky." Yep, and the spikes are poking into my arms. Ouch.

"It's…for you."

"…"

_Please wait a moment while the organ called my brain processes the information. _

"You don't like it?"

_Beep._

…Ohmigawd!!! Ahhhh! Vinnie gave me a present! He gave me a present! He gave me a present! He gave – Wait! Where are you going, Vinnie?!

"Vincent! I think Yuffie's just too overwhelmed to say anything…" Thank you Tifa! You are my hero! Thank you! Thank you!

"It's the first time someone could render her speechless… Wow, Vince, you're good at this." Evil glare at Spike. He's just jealous he doesn't get a present. Though it's a spiky, leafy present. Hey. That kinda reminds me of someone…

Ack! Thank Vince first Yuffie!

"You're welcome, Yuffie." Oops. Did I just say that out loud? Never mind, Vince is smiling!

"But what is it?" Good question Tifa. I was wondering about that too.

"Looks kinda like a plant to me." Cloud's two cents are ridiculous. If it's a plant, then everyone who eats it will die! After all, who'd wanna eat a _spiky_ plant?

"It is." What?! You want to kill me, you vampire? Or is that revenge for that time when I sneaked into your house and rummaged through your boxers drawer? Supposedly, of course. Well that wasn't me! That was Shelke! I swear! "It's an ananas."

"An ananas…?" I bet we all three have the same look on our faces. The open-eyed, wide-jawed look. Though for different reasons.

"But that doesn't look like an ananas! Ananas are yellow! Plus, it's un-spiky! And how did you know Wutainese?" Well he does look a little Wutain himself… Gasp! He's not Wutain, is he?!

"This is the original form of ananas." Whoa! What's he doing? "I don't suppose any of you know what to do with it." Oh…he's going to take the spikes apart, right?

"But what is an ananas?"

"It's Wutainese, Tifa. I think it's called a pineapple in Midgarian." Yep, that certainly cleared the cloudy look on Tifa's face. Speaking of cloudy…heh heh heh.

"The spikes on it look familiar, don't they, Spike?"

Muahahahahaha! Look at the look on Cloud's face! Tifa doesn't know what I'm talking about yet, so I'd better split! Like, fast! "Let's go Vince! I kinda know what to do with an ananas, I think! Onwards to la cuisine!"

**Cloud's hair is really, really spiky today. Nyuk.**

_**&-&-&**_

Ohmigawd! I totally forgot about Reno! And he's just right around the corner! Ahh! Leviathan, save me!

"Uh, Vince! Wait!" Phew! He stopped just in time. Thank Leviathan for quick thinking.

"What's the matter, Yuffie?" Oh gawd, what should I tell him? Think fast Yuffs!

"Uh…shouldn't we go and say hello to the kids first? Marley's been hyper to see you!" Yes! Take that vampy! Vince just can't resist Marley doll. And her puppy eyes, of coz. No one can, in fact. I think that's where Tifa got _her_ puppy eyes from. Sigh. Evil kids and their guardians. And no, contrary to popular belief, I am not jealous of her. She's just a kid, for Leviathan's sake! I mean, how could Vince fall for a kid?

Then again, there was Shelke…who looks just about nine –

"Uncle Vincent!"

Whoa kid! You're gonna crash on the ananas' spikes!

"Hi, Auntie Yuffie!"

…Or not.

I don't know how those devil spawn avoid these spikes. My arms are bruising just by holding that thing just a moment ago. Sigh. Kids… maybe I'm just getting old. Well, doesn't matter, vampy's definitely older than me!

"How do you do, Marlene?" Hmm, something's not quite right with Vince today. Too social? Definitely. Plus he's not wearing his creepy shoes, which are way too pointy and womanly for a hot man like Vince to wear. Whoops. Did I just think that? Oh well. Thank leviathan he's still wearing his black shirt that shows off his sexy abs.

Ahem. I should go back to paying attention to Marley. No idea what trick she might pull on me tonight.

"I'm fine, thank you; what about you, Uncle Vincent?" Wow. Nice, perfect, model answer, Marley doll! Did school teach you that? Bah. Screw school. See, there's no creativity left in these kiddies anymore. They're just boring old chaps who've been learning too much geography and math and history and science and other useless things they don't even like! You want history? Why don't you ask any one of us and we'll tell you history like it is! That's why if I ever have children, I'm not gonna let them go to school, unless they want to. Of coz, if I ever have children, they're gonna be the vamp's, no doubt… Ack! What the heck am I thinking?

Huh? What was that you said, Marley doll?

"...dinner tonight? Uncle –" Gasp! She's not gonna mention that turkey, is she? Nooo, Marlene! You don't want to be the cause of World War Three!

I use my menacing Yuffie-patented glare on Marlene. She shut up, as is expected. "What are you doing, Auntie Yuffie? Did something get into your eye?" I nearly bang my head on the wall nearest to me. Vince turns to me quickly though. I shake my head, thinking fast for an answer. If I don't get Vince into the kitchen before the turkey rounds that corner because of Marley doll…the vamp will prolly go back home…to _her_. And I will not allow that!

"I'm thinking of the best way to turn this monster into a beauty! Now if you keep on interrupting me, Marls, I'll make sure you won't get to taste this babe!" Ha! That certainly shut Marlene up. She's a lamb when it comes to food. I smirk to myself, wink at Vince, and tow him into the kitchen.

Phew. Safe for now.

Nyuk, nyuk. Maybe I can carve Spike's head on the ananas. Just thinking of it makes me cackle like the White Witch in those movies Marley Doll and Denny like to watch over the weekends.

**I think I'm going to call Spike a pineapple head from now on. Nyuk. **

**_&-&-&_**

"You sounded like Uncle Reno back there, Auntie Yuffie!"

Argh! Quit mentioning about that turkey, brat!

_To Be Continued_

**

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**A/N:** And cut! Phew! It's a to-be-continued piece for this week. I've decided to call this one and the previous one part of the **_Dinner With The Turkey Arc_**. Ha, cute name, eh?

I'm having trouble coming up with a theme for the next installment though. No idea which fruit I can base off for a dinner, plus a possible food fight(!) Ideas anyone? Or does anyone have a favorite fruit and want to see it here some time? Please tell me so!

Till next time,

Jean V.


	6. Splat Goes the Tomato!

**A/N:** I've changed to using Firefox, and it's messing up my format... maybe I should just download the IE patch and turn back to using IE. If there's anything wrong with the formatting, do tell me.

Anyways, I'm back with what's probably the last installment of the **_Dinner with Turkey Arc_**. I'm gonna miss it, after months of procrastinating and whatsoever.

Special thanks to my reviewers, who had grown less over the previous hiatus, but I'm still grateful for your support: ILoveYuffietine2719, Plushietiger, Heart Keeper, Aki Masamune, Spiritslayer, and JingYee. Hugs are due for all your wonderful comments and suggestions!

I've always neglected this, but thanks to those who read this fic too!

**Disclaimer:** See first page.

Warning: Smallest mention of yaoi! Please ignore if offends! (Uh, yeah. I got influenced by my, err, friend. Just slightly though.)

Without further ado, please enjoy!

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**Splat Goes the Tomato!**

In the end, Vinnie didn't let me carve Spike's head on the pineapple. Boo-hoo. Said something about too hard to do so or something. Gah! Don't tell me the vamp is afraid of Spiky!...Ah well, prolly not since he let me keep the leaves on the ananas and place them on the plate beside the pineapple chicken he made.

"Yuffie, can you make –"

"Sushi! Got it!" Ooh! Sushi's the best in the world! Especially the ones I make, nyuk. Even the old man, who is absolutely picky with his cuisine, says it's good! Nice, choice, Vinnie!

Hey! What's with the insufferable sigh, vampy? Trust me, it'll be good!

"No, Yuffie, not sushi. The tomato sauce for the pasta."

Oh.  
I hate tomatoes.

"What? We're having pasta for dinner tonight?" Vince nods. "Pasta? Pasta! You don't mean those long, thin, yellowy, stretchy, edible strings, do you?"

Vince sighs. "Exactly, Yuffie. Pasta."

But then – "Oh leviathan! No! Why didn't you tell me beforehand that we're having pasta? Oh gawd! Oh gawd! What if Spike uses that to throttle –!"

Shut up, Yuffs! Do you want vampy to know about the turkey and go back to that creepy ghost mansion of his?  
No!  
Then shuddup!

Vince's eyes narrow, as if he had spotted a prey. And that prey is yours truly!

"Throttle who, Yuffie?" Oh gawd, he's getting suspicious! He'll know! Oh, crap! Don't look up, Yuffs! Don't look into his eyes!

Brain, now's the time to work.

W.O.R.K!!!

"I – uh – well –" _Throttle who, Yuffie?_ But of course! How can I be so dumb? "Me, ya idiot! Pineapple head's gonna have me for breakfast tomorrow when he sees his hair –" Do the quotation thingy with your hands, Yuffs! "– on the plate of pineapple chicken!" Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. Clever answer, Yuffs! I'm so proud of you, Brain!

Wait.  
Uh-oh. Vince doesn't look too convinced.

Gulp.  
Why's he coming closer?

Oh. My. Gawd. Is he prowling?

"Uh, Vince… you're gonna crash into me…"

Eek! He just slammed his hand on the wall my back is nearly glued onto! What's the matter with him? Is it Chaos? But isn't that sexy monster gone? Eek! Did I just think _sexy_?

Ahh! Holy Jenova! He…he…he… the vamp has trapped me! Ahh! Help, Tifa! I'm gonna be gobbled up by the vampire slash pedophile!

"Don't lie to me, Yuffie." What?! Gulp. Oh gawd. His breath is tickling my ear. It's distracting me. "I will know." What the heck is the vamp thinking of doing? No! Don't do it! Don't peek, Yuffs! You don't want to turn into a puddle of Yuffie-goo!

"I – I – I'm not lying, Vince!" So why does my voice sound so squeaky?!

"Not lying, huh?" I'm imagining him raising that damn sexy left eyebrow. Damn. What a distraction. Nodding hurriedly, I will for him to change the subject and stop_ leaning on me and pushing me back into that damned wall_! "Then why are your ears turning red?"

Huh?! They - they are? Oh gawd! They really are! Oh leviathan, save me! I can see the friggin' sexy smirk on the vamp's lips from the slits of my eyes! Oh _god_. I'm gone. I'm gonna turn into a puddle of Yuffie-goo.

"Yuffie, can you pass me some tomatoes – oh!"

Oh! Thank lord for Tifa! You are my savior! You've just stopped the Great Ninja Yuffie from turning into goo!

"Sure! In fact, I'll carry them out for you! Where do you want them?"

Feet, ignore Vinnie's_ seemingly disappointed _look, and go help Tifa now!

**Tomatoes are Life Savers! So are Tifas! **

_**&-&-&**_

I'm dreading tonight's dinner so much that my feet are practically shaking right now! Oh leviathan, how am I supposed to face Vinnie after what happened? That was so embarrassing! Thankfully though, the secret that Reno's over for dinner is still safe.

Sigh.

At this rate, you'd think it's actually because Vinnie and Reno are secretly in luv with each other so we've asked Reno over to surprise Vinnie, instead of them being enemies, and so and so… Yelch! What in the name of leviathan am I thinking?! That is such a disgusting mental image! Can you imagine it, two grown men snogging in that vamp's coffin?! Totally eww! Vince and that chicklet has been enough for my poor mind. No more, please!

…Okay. Succeeded in banishing those yucky mental images away – for now. Better think of something else to occupy my over imaginative mind with.

Hmm… I should go back to teasing Cloud's hair. Those pineapple fruit leaves really resemble Spiky's hair, y'know. Maybe I can get Marls to draw a pic of Spiky and paste those leaves for his hair. It'll definitely save a lot of crayons. Nyuk.

"Yuffie, please don't tease Cloud tonight. He's had a tiring day and he needs rest." Sure, sure, whatever you say, Teef. Anything for your pineapple head.… Wait. How the heck did Tifa know what I was just thinking? Are you psychic too, Tifa? Like Vinnie?!

What are you rolling your eyes at me for?!

"Your face, Yuffie, it tells me and everyone else what you're thinking about." Yeah right, Tifa! As if I'd ever believe that! I'm the Great Ninja and Materia Hunter Yuffie, and Great Ninjas have great blank poker faces like Vinnie's, y'know! You're just using that lame excuse to hide your special abilities!

"Hey, babe. Hi, Tifa."

Gawd! Stop scaring me, you turkey!

Gulp. The images! Oh leviathan! They're coming back! Damn it, stupid turkey! Why did you choose this time to appear in front of me?!

"Whoa, babe! Your face's as red as my hair – no, like the tomatoes you're holding in your arms!" Stop trying to get a closer look at my face, you dumb turkey! I shoulda rip out your feathers and boil you in a hot pot of soup! "You wanted to see me, didn't you?" Gah! You wish, dumb turkey!

"Yuffie! Where are you going!?"

Away from that damn turkey, of course!

"But Yuffie! What about the tomatoes!? Marlene wants to decorate the plates with them!"

What? Decorate plates with tomatoes? Something wrong with the kid? Must be the friggin' turkey that taught Marls something so stupid like that. "I have pasta sauce to make, Teef! I'll send Marley some tomatoes if there's any left!"

"But Yuffs!"

"What?" Gawd Tifa! Can't you see that I really need to get that pasta sauce ready?

"The kitchen is that way."

Oh. Who said I was going to the kitchen anyway?!

"Well, if you don't go to the kitchen, you'll make the place dirty…" Oh leviathan! I get it already, Tifa! No need to use that tone with me! I'm not Denny Boy! Gawd, and in front of the turkey! "Are you afraid of the kitchen because of a certain somebody, Yuffie?"

"NO!" Geez! I'll go to the kitchen, alright? And stop smirking, you turkey!

...Hmm, I think I'll just spare one on that dumb turkey and skedaddle away. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. That turk won't know what hit him!

**Splat!**

"Oh my goodness! Yuffie! What did you do?" Oh zip it, Teef! I'm just doing Pineapple Head a favor! He'd better thank me later! "Reno's a guest! We don't treat guests that way, Yuffie!"

Geez, Tifa! Stop chastising me as if I'm Denny Boy! I'm not, y'know! And I actually know what's best for you! It's best if the turkey is gone!

"I'm so sorry, Reno! I don't know what's up with Yuffie. Normally she's okay, but maybe, because just then at the kitchen, she –" Gasp! Tifa, you wouldn't dare!

**Splat!**

"Oh my - Yuffie!"

Don't look at me like that, Boobs! You brought it on yourself when you decided to tell ol' turkey here about Vinnie and me…

"Alright, Yuffie! This is war!"

"…Where?"

**Splat!**

Gah! Stop scaring me like that, you vampire!

**Splat Goes the Tomato but not the Turkey.

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A/N: **I had fun writing this, though not so much at the end. I may rewrite the ending of this sometime. Maybe. Once I've fully recovered from my illness that had me staying at the hospital for two nights. Brr. It was gastroenteritis. Couldn't stop vomiting and having diarrhea. And I still don't know what caused it.

Oh well, say bye to the _**Dinner with Turkey Arc**_. Next time it'll be about Christmas. I haven't thought of the fruit yet, but hopefully I can get the next installment up by the 25th.

_Hopefully._

Till next time then,

Jean V.

_P.S. For those who are wondering, Reno did stay and have dinner with the gang. Just thought I should make it clear... _


	7. Plum Materia

**A/N:** Okay, this is 5 days late, but hey, at least I managed to post this before 2009!

...Yeah. So, um, time to pass out Christmas cookies to my dearest reviewers (or pudding, if you like): Aki Masamune, Spiritslayer, Ivy, RosalineWhedenbrook, JingYee, Forever Yours. Always., and last but not least, Emilee-san. Thank you for your continuous support! Thanks also to my readers! Hope you all had a merry christmas!

**Disclaimer:** See first page.

Oh, and beware of Shelke bashing! (Yes, I couldn't help it. I miss messin' with her too much.)

Please enjoy!

**

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**

**Plum Materia **

"_You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout and I'm telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to town!"_

Gawd, won't those brats ever stop singing that goddamn song? They've been singing it at the beginning of December already!

I hate Christmas. It's when those old people and young kiddos come out and ask for cookies and materia. And those songs! Gawd, I think even Vinnie would go mad after listening to 'em for a whole month!

And don't forget the Christmas shopping! Seriously, is Christmas just an excuse for us to use up our gil? I still haven't got a clue what I'll give those brats this year. Sigh. I remember Denny saying that he wants some materia. Snort. As if I'll give up my precious-es. Hmm, let's see what I've got here… Hey, here's some golden plums from Costa de Sol. Maybe I'll just give 'em these plums and say they're materia…

Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. That's a workable plan, y'know. The brats don't know how to use materia anyways. And these golden plums aren't cheap, y'know!

"Where's Auntie Yuffie, Tifa?" Gyah! For leviathan's sake, stop trying to get me out to make snowmen with you, Marls! "I want to get Auntie Yuffie to sing Jingle Bell Rock with me!" Or teach me another new Christmas song while you're at it!

"I'm not sure, Marlene. I think Yuffie's sick." Phew! Good ol' Tifa! You can always feign sick when you hide under your covers for the whole morning. But it gets really boring after a while… Sigh. I wonder where Vince is. He's been MIA since the beginning of December… Huh?! Hey that's when the kids started singing those horrible songs! Hmm…my ninja senses are tingling…do I sense a connection?

"Auntie Yuffie!" Eek! The messenger of Chaos hath cometh! "Auntie Yuffie, are you okay? Tifa says you're sick."

Well who wouldn't be if they're dragged unwillingly to Icicle Inn?!! Brrr… When's Tifa gonna buy some winter clothes for me? I'm gonna become a Yufficle soon!

"What's a Yufficle, Auntie Yuffie?" Huh? Did I just say that out loud? "Yeah you did, Auntie Yuffie."

Sigh. Alright, I'll answer that, Marley. "Yuffie icicle, get it, kiddo?"

"Oh, and I thought it was a new popsicle flavor!" Watch your sarcasm, Denny boy! When did you come in, btw? Sniffle. Oh gawd, I can feel the trail of a cold sneaking up on me. Kyah! Take that, you evil cold trail!

"Tifa tells you to come down, Auntie Yuffs." Huh? Why?

"Because we've got a surprise for you, Auntie Yuffie!" Whoa! Really? Wait… what kind of surprise? It's not the 'let's make a snowman coz I'm bored' surprise, is it?

"Marlene! You're spoiling it! She's not supposed to know!" Nyuk, Denny boy, you won't be able to trick the Great Ninja Yuffie, you know?! I know your evil plan already! And I won't fall for it!

"Sorry kiddos, I can't come." Cough, cough. "I've got a bad cold." Sniffle.

"Yeah, we know, Auntie Yuffs. That's why we got Tifa to make you some chicken soup."

Really!? Mmm, chicken soup…my favorite! Awight, I'm coming down!

**It's plums for materia this year, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!**

*********

Achoo!

"Teef! Can I have a warmer coat!? I'm gonna die out of cold here!" Sniffle. Oh leviathan, snot's running down my nose and all the kids can do is laugh! I feel so sorry for myself…

"Gya-ha-ha! Told ya you shoulda worn somethin' warmer, brat!" Whoa! The old man sounded totally like Heidegger back there!

"And you told me we were going to Gold Saucer! How was I supposed to know we're going to Icicle Inn, old man!?" Yeah, and you taught those brats to trick me outta here using Tifa's chicken soup! When there wasn't any at all! Hmph. Dumb old man. And now I'm standing here in the snow, helping the kids make snowmen in the middle of a friggin' blizzard of Jingle Bell Rock and various Christmas tunes! Argh! I'm gonna go mad!

"Hey! I'm not an old man!"

"Yeah right, you're like fifty!"

"What the –!? I'm just 35, ya idiot! That's way younger than yer boyfriend! He's 58!"

"Hey! That's not fair! Chronically speaking, Vinnie is 58, but at least he doesn't look like 58!"

"What?! You're sayin' I look fifty!?"

"Stop arguing, you two! Here you go, Yuffie." Oh thanks, Tifa! Oh man, this is much warmer than Denny's silly old coat! "Chicken soup's ready in a few minutes." Okay Tifa, I'll be coming in!

"Old man, old man! Cid's an old man!" Nyuk, nyuk! Sing with me, kids! Cid's an old man –

_Splat!_

"Yay! Snowball fight! Auntie Yuffie, I'm on your side!"

Aw zip it, Marls! Look at Tifa's coat! It's ruined! "Aw fu–" Wait. "Sh–" No. "Cra–" Argh! "Parc!"

"Parc?"

Yeah. Tifa's banned us all from cussing in front of the kids. So now we're inventing our own words instead.

"What's that mean?"

Ha! I knew it! Cid's too dumb to figure out what _parc_ means!

"Figure that out yourself, as–" Oh parc. "– old man!" Nyuk, nyuk. Hmm, chicken soup's prolly ready by now. Time to skedaddle!

"Hey get your arse back here brat! We're not done buildin' the squirts' snowmen!"

**Plums for you too, Cid!**

*********

Mmm, yum! Tifa's chicken soup's the best!

"…Whatcha looking at?!"

"Oh! Er…nothing…" You'd better not be ogling at anything, ya creep!

Hmph! It's that creepy barkeep, the one that always ogles at Tifa whenever she's at the kitchen. Dunno why Tifa lets us and the kids stay with him; he's always saying he wants to own a bar that's greater than Seventh Heaven, yet he seems to keep on complementing Teef's bar… What a contradicting psycho! Prolly coz he wants to date Tifa! Where's chocobo head when you need him?! Grr…he's prolly still out on the Great Glacier, hitting the slopes… Gawd, I really shouldn't help him out…except I really don't like this creep! His smile when he looks at Tifa is absolutely _grossness_!

"Yuffie, have you bought presents for everyone yet? Christmas is tomorrow, you know." Yar, yar, I know. And I'm gonna give plums to everyone this Christmas! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! "If you haven't, can you come with me? I've got no idea what to get for Cloud…"

Oh poor Tifa… Awight! Just because you made chicken soup for me, Tifa!

_Knock, knock._

"Huh? Who's there? It won't be Cloud, since he's got a key…and Barret won't be arriving till tomorrow…" Hmm, that's strange indeed… I don't feel good about this.

"I'll get it, Miss Lockhart."

No way! I won't let you creep do anything outta my sight! Not until chocobo head comes back! And just because you creep me out! "It's okay! I've got it, Teef!" Ha! Look at the look on the creep's face! "Who's there?"

"Hello, Yuffie Kisaragi."

Oh parc.

It's the chicklet!

"Hey brat! Are you letting us in or what?" And Cid and the kids, obviously.

"Oh Shelke! What a nice surprise! Come on in! I thought Vincent said you guys won't be coming this Christmas!" Oh really? Why haven't I heard you say anything like that before, Tifa?!

"Vincent said that?" On a first-name basis already, are we, Shelke Welke?

…Oh look, Tifa's laughing nervously. "Well, not really. He said _he_ won't be coming, so…" What kinda logic's that, Tifa!? Vince just said he won't be coming, not the chicklet! He won't make decisions for that chicklet on his own!

"…" Geez. She even copied the same adorable-which-is-not-when-it's-from-that-chicklet trait from Vince! What a copycat. "I see." Pshaw. I know it's Christmas and we're all supposed to be happy and all that parc, but, I can't help but feel – well, bitte– no! Not bitter. Just, a little, well, sour. Yeah, that's right. Sour. Like a plum that went bad.

"Am I welcomed then?"

Can I say no?

"Of course, Shelke! It's Christmas! Everyone's welcomed! Let me just tell Johnny." Oh. So Johnny's the creep's name. Hmph. What a creepy name.

"Yuffie Kisaragi."

Holy Jenova! What do you want, chicklet!?

"Vincent told me to give this to you." What?! Why'd he be asking you to – Oh my gawd. Is that what I think it is?

"Are those plums, Shelke?"

"Yes, Vincent harvested them in the backyard. I suppose he wants you to share, Yuffie Kisaragi."

"Aww, that's so sweet of him, Shelke! Why couldn't he come, though?"

"I'm not sure. He was gone already when I left for Icicle Inn."

"Oh? So you're saying he went somewhere?"

"Yes."

"For Reeve?" (When I think back on that, it sounded really, really wrong.)

"I'm not sure."

"Hmm… Oh well, say thank you, Yuffie! I don't think those plums are easy to carry."

Smile, Yuffs, smile. It's Christmas, and you don't want to ruin things. Smile!

"Yeah well, thanks, squirt." Uh-oh. Tifa's glaring. She wants me to say more? Oh leviathan! Um, er... "They look like materia! Maybe he wants to fool me into thinking he's giving me materia!" Okay, that was lame. Who cares. Laugh now. Happy laugh. You can do it, Yuffs!

Grr... What are you smirking at, chicklet!? Are you laughing at me?!

"Hey, I've just made some chicken soup! Do you want some, Shelke?" Good ol' Tifa. Ever the welcoming one. I'll just go over to my corner and brood now. "Yuffie!" What?! "Yuffie, don't you want seconds?" No, thanks, Tifa. I'd rather not see anymore of that chicklet. If I haven't made myself clear enough, I don't really like her. Partly coz she felt nothing when Shalua sacrificed herself for her, and mostly coz she's living with Vince. She doesn't really like him, y'know –

Is my butt vibrating again?

Oh noes. It's Da Old Man.

"What d'you want, old man?" Hey, how did Godo know how to use a phone?! Hmm, must be Shake who taught him. I'm gonna teach him a lesson if I ever go back to Wutai!

"Is that how you treat your father, Yuffie?" Pshaw. Screw that father-daughter parc, old man!

"Well, I don't think you called to wish me a merry christmas, _father_."

"You're right. I'm not." Wow, he's awfully blunt today.

"Then I'm hanging up."

"Oh, but Yuffie, I can't believe you forgot." Forgot what? "You promised you will come back for the New Year." What?! When did I do such a dumb thing? "On the phone that night." Which night?! "That night your boyfriend came back from hell." What the?! Is this really Godo I'm speaking to?

"Yeah, and?" I can almost hear the smirk he's wearing on the other line!

"It's New Year soon, Yuffie. When are you coming? I have to prepare for your arrival, you know." Geez! He sounds so Rufus! Why do people sound like other people these days? "And may I remind you, Yuffie, that if you don't come, your kittens, they'll be –"

"Are you threatening me, old man!?" Oh Leviathan! What a dirty trick! Using my kits like that! "I'm gonna teach you a lesson once I get back!"

…Wait. Did I just say I'll go back?

"Good. I'll see you soon then, Yuffie."

"Wait! Hey! Don't you hang up on me, old man!"

_Click._

Oh noes!

What just happened, Leviathan!?

For my kittens...

I look back to where the kids and Cid and Tifa are chatting and laughing.

Sigh.

Oh well. I don't think Vince will be here this New Year anyways.

May as well spend the rest of Christmas happily with 'em and the kids.

**Isn'****t it ironic that both Vince and I are giving plums for Christmas?**

*********

"Auntie Yuffie! Let's sing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer!"

Oh no, leviathan! Not those Christmas songs again!

**Ack! Vince****'s plums are sour!  
**

_To be Continued

* * *

_**A/N:** I originally planned a kiss. Really, I did. But then, Shelke appeared in a dream. I just couldn't help messing with both Yuffie and Shelke, so I changed the kiss scene. Don't worry though, there will be a kiss scene soon! And it'll be between you-know-whos!

Personally, I don't hate Christmas. It's one of my favorite festivals of the year, not because of the presents, since I don't get many, but I like how everyone seems more friendly and amiable at Christmas. So I decided that for the Christmas issue, there will be no profanities allowed, since it didn't seem appropriate. I think _parc _is relatively easy to guess though, right? But I'll reveal what it means next time, since no profanities are allowed right now. Nyuk.

One more thing, the New Year mentioned by Godo, it is equivalent to the Chinese New Year, seeing that I'm Chinese. The Chinese New Year for this year will be on the 26th of January, so actually Yuffie has more time than the Christmas holidays to spend with the kids and Cloud and co.

Anyways, my exams are coming up next week, so don't expect to see any more updates till Mid-January. (Which coincides nicely with the Chinese New Year.)

Have a happy and healthy new year!

Till 2009,

Jean V.

_P.S. Does anyone know how to pronounce Shelke? _


	8. Orangutans Aren't Oranges

**Author's Notes: **Um. I finally moved my lazy ass and updated this. I guess I've gotten my muse back... Anyhoo. I'll shut up now.

**Disclaimer:** At the first page...if you bothered to look. :D

Hope y'all enjoy~

* * *

**Orangutans Aren't Oranges**

"_The number you are calling is currently unavailable. Please try again later."_

Dang it.

…I have every reason to believe that Leviathan hates me.

I mean, puh-lease! I really don't think there are so many calls for Tifa or Spike or Denzel or Marley or – or maybe she has gazillions of admirers trying to ask her out on a date?

Nah! If that was the case, that big marshmallow would have killed them ages ago! And I would have heard about it…even though I'm practically stranded here…

"Miss Yuffie?"

Holy Jenova! "Wh-what is it, Siam!?" Thank Leviathan – no, I won't thank him anymore. He doesn't like me anyways. Thank…erm…thank the spikes on Spiky's head I hid my phone – a horrible, shocking, orange colored phone, no less! – under my covers so that the new guy the old man employed couldn't see it… Or I'll be cut off from the last hope of my freedom--!

…Sigh. At this stage I have to admit that...

Yours truly, the Great Awesome Ninja Yuffie Kisaragi – that's me, by the way – is _imprisoned_.

By her father.

In Wutai. Her home.

By her father and those damn subjects who claim to be loyal to her – just to force her into marriage with an ugly, old, wrinkled man!

"Lord Hun is waiting for you at the pavilion, Miss Yuffie."

Yeah. Lord Hun. That's his name alright. The name of one of those ugly, old, wrinkled men! Did I mention that he was old, ugly, and wrinkled – oh yeah, I did. Well, he also has halitosis, if I'm not mistaken!

On a second note…he kinda looks like an orange. An old orange. Nyuk. Or maybe an orangutan. Why's it called an orangutan by the way? Because it looks like an orange? But…orangutans aren't round…

…Oh well. I wouldn't know. Haven't seen one before… Bet Cid knows. He's like an orangutan anyhoo. (That big marshmallow told me, nyuk.) But Cid doesn't look like an orange…

Well, anyhoo, I won't be having dinner with the old man and an orange-orangutan-pedo!

"Yeah so?!" I'm gonna make this new guy shake so much he'll never dare to step foot in my quarters again. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

Hmm…I once saw Vince scaring the hell out of this really annoying man by taking his gun out and starting to polish it. Maybe I could do that too… Nyuk. Yep. That's what I'll do! Ha! Be afraid, world! Be very afraid!

Behold my awesome shiny Conformer! Thank Le- ugh, no, thank Vince that he gave me a polish kit for Conformer last year for my birthday!

Speaking of Vince... I really miss him. I mean, even though he never speaks more than ten words at a time, and he isn't really _fun_, Vince... he's a nice guy. I mean, I'd rather marry _him_ than the other ugly, wrinkled, old orange-orangutan-pedos!

Um. Well, I didn't mean that literally. I just meant that relatively.

Whatever that may mean.

"…Lord Godo wishes you to join him and Lord Hun for lunch."

Oh what was that? Old man wants _me_ to join them old orangey pedos for lunch? Ha! He's really getting old! He thinks he can get my ass into that pavilion just by asking this spunk?! Dream on, old man!

"…Please Miss Yuffie… Lord Godo will be angry if you are late…"

Glare. Swipe. Polish.

"Well you can tell his ass that I ain't going."

The new guy looks kinda unhappy. Well, that ain't my problem! You think I'm happy here?! I don't want to be here, you know! I was tricked and forced to stay here! It's been two effing months since I saw my friends and Vince, and that stupid old man wants me to go have lunch with him and that loony orange-orangutan-pedo who wants me to be his bride?! He can shove that twisted fantasy of his up his old orangey ass!

"…I'm sorry, Miss Yuffie, but my orders are to take you to the pavilion."

My eyes are starting to narrow. Gawd. I'm always doing that these days! Will my eyes become permanently narrowed!? Eww! Grossness! No! I don't want that! That'll look ugly!

Er. That new guy…looks as if he's ready to fight.

I can't help but smirk. I mean, man, doesn't he know that I'm the Great Ninja Yuffie Kisaragi?! I've beaten Godo and his dumbo advisers before! I can handle some punk! And 'sides, I haven't been in a fight for _ages_! I'm dying for some action!

"…I apologize in advance for any injury I may cause you, Miss Yuffie."

Man oh man, he really doesn't know what he's in for!

"Well don't come crying to me when I've beat you into a bloody pulp, Siam!" And you bet that's what you'll become after Conformer's finished with you!

"…It's Sam. Not Siam."

Whatever – Uh shit, Leviathan! He's fast!

Dodge, Yuffie! And –

"Yuffie – Siam! What are you two doing?"

…Hmph. What does it look like, old man?

"Good morning, sir. I…was merely following orders."

Follow orders my ass! Your orders don't involve kidnapping the awesome ninja princess to force her to go to lunch with an orange-orangutan-pedo, do they!?

"…Ah I see. Well…that's alright now. I'll take her myself."

Ha! You wanna get your ass kicked again, don't you, you old orangey man!? Well, I ain't afraid of ya! I can beat your orangey ass anytime, anywhere!

"…Yes sir. I'll leave now, then." Hmph! Get the hell outta my sight, you spunk! If I see you again, I'll kick your spunky ass into the next century so that you'll be an orange too!

"Now Yuffie…you do want to look as nice as you can for Lord Hun, _don't you_?"

I narrow my eyes again. Oh Leviathan, at this rate, by the end of the century, I'll have narrowy eyes! And that'll look gross! And it'll all be the old man's fault!

"And you want to look like a bruised orange tomorrow, don't you?" That's what you'll look like if you force me to this damn lunch! I ain't having lunch with that orange-orangutan-pedo, that's for sure!

"Yuffie…" Ha! What? You starting to get mad too, old man!? Well, I can't help you! It's not my fault you invited that orange-orangutan-pedo! "Are your kittens eating well?"

What. The. Hell.

Are you trying to threaten me with my kittens again!?

Well I tell you, that's not going to work! I have them in a secret, protected place where you can't reach them! So get going and go to your lunch date already!

"…Fine. You won't have any lunch if you're not having it with us."

…Hmph. I'd rather starve than have some stupid lunch with some stupid gross orange-orangutan-pedo!

I'll just call Tifa again; let's see if I can get connected this time…

…"_The number you are calling is currently unavailable. Please try again later."_

Damn this stupid orangey phone.

_Rumble._

…Damn that stupid orange-orangutan-pedo and that old man too.

**Orangutans are slightly orange, so are old orange-orangutan-pedos and orangey assholes. ****

* * *

A/N:** I...don't think this chapter had anything to do with fruits...except for the orange mentions. But anyways, I finally finished writing this up. so I'm not going to fret over that at the moment. Right now I have a slight urge to write something about bananas for next time...but I'll be needing loads of bananas innuendos. :D Any good suggestions?

Anyhoo, hope to see some feedback~ Uh you can scream your head off at me for not updating this for nearly half a year if you like...

Thanks for reading,

Jean V.


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